The devil almost had me convinced that I had nothing else to say. For 5 days, I have been in prayer and in a space where I had to “unplug.” Through my own selfishness, I caused myself to relapse and I returned back to something that God was in the midst of freeing me from. With that being said, I am in the process of recovery and with recovery comes removal. In my case, removal includes the deletion of a social media. Social media is my outlet and when I become consumed in it, I will literally tell all of my business. One of my greatest reasons for doing that is because I need attention or to be heard, but also because I refuse to be bound by shame. I don’t allow people to hold me bondage with the ability to hold my own sins over my head.

This morning, I had the privilege of ministry. My favorite thing to do, because it usually ministers to my spirit as well. At the start of 2020, I was given three prophetic declarations. The first was, “I shall live and not die.” A week or two after that declaration was given, I was held at gunpoint for a robbery that was happening at my job. I knew then that the declaration was true, and a test of my faith. The second and third declarations I was given were, “prayer warrior; writer.” If you know me, then you know that praying is my least favorite thing to do, so God, with His humorous self, loves to give me things to always pray for. But if you also know me, then you know I started my first book 2 years ago and I am still on Chapter 2. My confession is, I never finish what I start because I love returning to the things that break me and spend way too much time rebuilding myself. For many years, I have begged for freedom. I have begged for a lighter assignment. To be completely honest, I have begged for no assignment at all. Like, I would say, “God I’ll be cool if You just cancel all Your plans for me and just protect me.” But I was reminded today that I am apart of PURPOSE + PRIORITY.

All that means is that, what I am called to do is not supposed to make me feel good. I am purposely supposed to be uncomfortable, but I am also a priority to God. This is the difference between being created and being chosen. Every person in the Bible did not have the “privilege” of being chosen. But the ones who were chosen suffered to some degree. Whether it was in the lions den or even on the cross. Chosen people don’t ask for battles, they are assigned to battles that are uncomfortable but also fixed fights. We still have to prepare for the fight, get all suited up, look our enemies in the face, BUT we win automatically. That’s called favor by the way. Here’s the catch though, if you are truly called, when your brother/sister in Christ needs help, you strap up your boots for them as well. When one fights, we all fight. That is the body of Christ. Many people will discover that they aren’t chosen simply because they don’t like to fight. But guess what…. “that’s your business.” If you feel like the battle has been long, just know this, “you have to live long, because you have to smile longer than you have suffered.” 🤍

Unsolicited Interruption 🌱

As promised, there will be a second part 2 to “Soul Ties,” but I can only speak on the depth of the subject when my spirit is clean. So today, I feel the need to speak on the disturbance that people bring into our lives when they are not ready for who we are. I’ve been in a place where my peace has been interrupted by someone who didn’t even belong in my life. A place in which my soul was disturbed and frenzied by a soul that was already unclean. More importantly, I’ve been that interruption. A moment when I felt as if I was “ready for love” when in fact I was only longing for lust. I don’t think we, as humans, understand that a disturbed heart takes a long time to reorganize. I do not think that we understand the intensity of interrupting a soul that is in the middle of mending.

I, personally, have been in a place where “my skin was glowing, my pockets were growing, and I was finally feeling whole again.” Then all of a sudden this person enters my life and interrupts all my growth. Comes in and completely wrecks all that I have built. Unsolicited interruption is not just something that you didn’t ask for, but most of the time it is something you never even expected. There is a rape that takes place in the Bible. ( 2 Samuel 13 ) It’s my greatest example of unsolicited interruption. The woman’s name is Tamar and she is a woman of maturity and wholeness. There is a man named Amnon who desired Tamar in the most unusual way. First of all, he is her brother, but second of all he felt as if he was ready and capable to handle what he desired from her. So, while Tamar was “drinking her water and minding her business,” Amnon sends for her. Knowing good and well he was about to interrupt her peace, he pretends to be sick & asks that she comes to prepare his meal. To make the long story short, when she arrives, he takes her virginity. To make it worse, because it wasn’t all he thought it would be, he sends her away from him and breaks her heart. Now he came and wrecked her holistically, with the hope that she was what he wanted, only to end up not even wanting her. And for the rest of her life she lives in shame. Not because of something she had done, but because someone came and interrupted her peace.

This is the power of unsolicited interruption. Stop entering into the lives of healing people only to hurt them again. Stop bothering hearts that you don’t even have the capability to care for. Stop texting his/her phone with promises that you can’t keep. Stop asking for love that you can’t even water properly. What seems like “shooting a shot” to you may actually be destroying peace that was not long ago granted. Additionally, stop going back to what broke you. You are delaying your destiny every time you choose to stop and look back. I say this to say, make your peace a priority. Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Some of you, like myself have chosen not to guard your heart, now everything you do has also become unguarded. Give yourself 30 days of unfiltered, conscious guarding of your heart and watch the peace of God flow like never before.

Soul Ties.. 💫

You have soul ties with the people you sleep with and even when you are no longer in bed with them, they remain in your head.

-Chris Marvel

This is the place where I am unapologetically Leah and I have no shame in living my truth. If you have had the privilege of encountering me, then you know that I like to discuss the that things most people deem as “unspeakable.” I find no life or freedom in living a lie and being double minded. That is just not me, so this morning, I woke up convicted. Typing this blog at approximately 9:09 am with a man laying in my bed at this very present moment. Now since I said it, I’ll explain it… this is platonic. Understand that I spent 2+ years living a life of constant sexual struggle and desire. So, my desire for company and things of the flesh have not just magically disappeared. What God done was give me a child that made me sacrifice my old ways for life and health. I prayed for years, “Lord if you just sit me down, I promise to stop living this way.” I believe this is the hardest blog I’ll ever write, because with my truth comes judgment and ridicule.

I remember growing up in the church and hearing “don’t have sex before marriage.” And I would sit in that pew telling myself, “Leah, do not have sex before marriage.” But the reality is, what happens when we do? Or what happens to the people who didn’t choose to have sex before marriage but it was taken from them? Or what about the young children who were introduced to porn by their friends and older siblings? There was one very specific instruction given, with no instruction manual. So, if you’re like me, I went and found out for myself. Now I can say from experience, “don’t have sex before marriage” because you end up adding baggage to your life that you don’t even necessarily have the room for. Having sex before marriage ends up prolonging your destiny. I’ve also come to the realization that my grace is not the same as your grace. So where God has graced you to prosper through your “entanglements,” He may not have given me that same grace.

Before I wrote this post, the song lyrics, “addicted to sex, I gotta get laid” kept playing in my head. My greatest struggle concerning soul ties is not being able to efficiently handle my emotions. Before I was pregnant, I could easily smoke and drink the pain away. Now that I’m pregnant, I just have to allow myself to feel that pain and sometimes it becomes overwhelming. I can’t write all that I feel in this one blog, so there will be a Part 2. I just want to say, soul ties are not just found through flesh and physical sex. Soul ties are also created through porn and masturbation. When you watch those men and women having sex, it easily enters your eye/ear gates and begins to corrupt your “good manner.” Before I end, I stand on Revelation 12:11 “and they overcame Him by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony.” I’ll keep sharing my story, in hopes that one day we’ll all be overcomers. ❤️

15 Weeks – My blessing ❤️

My greatest blessing, yet it has been the hardest season of my life. There are very few people who choose to do this journey on their own. Even if they are void of a partner, in some sense they still rely on family and friends to be there in support. In my case, I didn’t choose to experience this blessing on my own. In my case, no matter how many people are around me, the father of our child has chosen to neglect us. When I speak of my experience, I speak not from a hurt place, but from a place of reality. To me, this is not the blame game, this is “be careful what you ask for.” This situation is, “once you have received what you prayed for, continue to pray for guidance.” What I prayed for was a man who could love me and understand the depth of brokenness. What I received was not only a man who could understand brokenness, but was living in it for himself. I’ve come to the realization that two broken things cannot fix each other. We must first acknowledge God, who is the Potter and then allow Him to mend the broken pieces.

At 15 weeks pregnant, there are all kinds of emotions that I face on a daily basis. Questions like, “how will I make it as a single mother?” “When will things ever get better?” “Is this what I really asked God for?” In the midst of Week 4 – Week 12, I had finally found my place of healing. Those weeks by far were the greatest weeks of this journey to date. The relationship I had grown with God was undeniably amazing and the way I spoke with such maturity, was a sign that my heart was well. Oh, but Week 13, I delayed my process and have brought so much pain upon my greatest blessing. I went back to the broken place, thinking that I could be the potter and that my child’s father was the clay. I wanted to hurry and mend all his broken pieces so he could finally be the man I needed and the father I desired for our child.

When we step out of position we bring ourselves the most pain. God gifted me with someone to grow me, and in the midst of the growing, I believe He will do the mending. A single, black mother of 23 is not who I desire to be. After all I’ve done, I still desire wholeness and family. I desire to sit at a table with my family for dinner. I desire to submit myself to a man who loves God. I desire to be led by a man, something I have never experienced. I desire to live out the promises of Jeremiah 29:11. I desire to prosper, to have a future, and a hope. I desire to see the end that I expect. With barely 25 weeks left to go, I believe that each week will began to bring me great joy. 🌻

A Small Reminder

There are days like today, in which I need the powerful reminder of John 3:16. On days like today, I find strength in the ability of those words to ease my troubled mind. Sometimes I just feel overtaken with unworthiness. As a 23 year old with a child on the way out of wedlock, I often find myself living under the shadow of condemnation and shame. First of all, for trusting my body at the hands of men who don’t even love me. Second of all, for failing at the idea of being a mother full of wholeness and peace.

Days like today seem to just consume my thoughts and scream in my ear, “YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH.” I find myself in response wondering why and what I could do better? I beat myself up after God has already forgiven me, but I’m more disappointed in the fact that I keep breaking His heart. The Man, who loves and cherishes me. The God, who holds me together and lifts me up. The Friend, who listens and lets me vent when all of my earthly friends are consumed in their own lives. The Father, who doesn’t throw me away and loves me just as I am. The Savior, who loved me so much and knew I needed saving so He gave the ultimate sacrifice. The Provider, who makes ways out of no way and gives me chances I don’t deserve. The God of Grace, who sees me as good even when I’ve done so much wrong. This is the Creator of the Universe that loves me so much and I keep breaking His heart. I keep pushing Him away. I keep choosing my own life over His will. And now, I’ve done so much wrong that I live in constant fear that He wants to hurt me. Hurt and pain are what I’ve become accustomed to, and now I see God in such a painful light. After all the things I’ve revealed about His character, I leave with the picture that in the end, He just wants to break my heart.

Well Leah, that is indeed untrue. And anyone reading this who has felt like me, block that negative picture of who God is out, and give yourself that small reminder. “For God so loved Leah Unique Brown, that He gave His only son. That since Leah believed in Him, she would not die but have everlasting life.” When you’re feeling down, open your bible and insert your name. It’s a small but powerful reminder to you, that you are loved. Jesus took a stripe on His back for you. Don’t ever forget it. 🤍

Who Are You?

What mask do you find yourself wearing the most? Why can’t we be our authentic selves in every aspect of life? Why is there a mask created for every assignment? I find myself asking these questions quiet often. Not being able to be who I am without a label being placed on me. For years I continued to wear a mask to cover my condemnation and shame. My mask of choice was holiness. If I could just look holy then everything else would not matter. If I could just sound holy then no one would know something was wrong. If I could just seem holy, then they would assume that my life was completely together. In this space, that mask comes completely off. In this space, I am the girl who struggles with lust and desire. I am the girl who hides under the mask of holiness, but in reality is the complete opposite.

I needed somewhere I could share my truth. My truth that’s wrapped up in pornography, sex, and insecurity. I wanted to be able to lay the mask aside and be my true authentic self. I created this blog to understand that there is grace in growing and through that grace we eventually find freedom. I had to completely destroy my idea that the church would have the answer for my deliverance. I had to completely throw away the expiration that I placed on my stronghold. I would always say, “this year, I will no longer struggle with pornography.” Every January 1 when the clock would strike midnight, I would make that same declaration. Not realizing that every year I was saying the same thing as if I was the Creator of the Universe. As if I had some magical powers to deliver myself.

When I think of my sin as captivity, I’m often reminded of the Babylonians. I’m sure they thought that it would end quickly if they petitioned God to save them. But when you have an assignment, no matter how bad you want it to end, there is purpose in your pain. I began to tell myself that I couldn’t save myself, no matter how hard I tried. For years, Paul was assigned to kill Christians, that was who he was and he had no plans of changing his pace. But, SUDDENLY, God changed Pauls’ whole idea of who he was. Here’s the thing, when God changes us, it is our responsibility to stay changed. But before He gets us out of our dark place, we must stay there to be transformed and renewed in our mind. I’m sure Daniel, while he was in the lions den was ready to go! I would’ve been screaming telling God “GET ME OUT NOW.” The giant is there, and while it is there, we must handle it accordingly. Once God gets us out of our dark place, it is then our responsibility to never go back. It’s okay to think back, but the goal is to never go back.

I say this to say, it’s okay to remove the mask. To be authentically who you are. It’s okay to be honest with yourself about how messed up, dirty, and tired you are. It’s fine to pray and ask God for deliverance. And if you’re like me, when the clock strikes midnight make the same declaration for your life. One year will finally be the year that God will change you. Until He changes you, be open about who you are and how you struggle. Be honest with the fact that, “all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” I get to be that honest with myself now, and God sends me that special reminder in John 3:16 that He knew I wouldn’t be able to save myself, so He gave up His only Son, so that I wouldn’t have to be responsible for the saving.

We wear the mask that grins and lies, It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes. — Paul Laurence Dunbar